Saturday, September 8, 2012

I’m Weary

Sorry, my heart’s just not in it lately.  I’m feeling worn down and not terribly optimistic.

There was a time when I looked at the hard times and saw them as transient bits and pieces that could be pushed into the cobwebs of my mind, because, well, they were transient

Things changeNothing is forever.  There was sure to be something positive and uplifting just around the corner.

But the past couple of weeks my internal compass is spinning.  I feel like I’m in the Bermuda Triangle of parenting.  Or maybe the Twilight Zone.  I’ve had this dizzy realization of how much things don’t change, but stay the same.  Time after time after time I find myself slamming my head against the wall of yet another problem that I thought we had put behind us.

I’m feeling trapped, because the craziness continues day after day after day after day.  Weeks of dedication to first this issue and then that one…all of it has blown up.

I’m not going to get into details.  I don’t want to whine and I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my kids.

They are good kids.  

But I’ve been having a hard time being a good mama.  I’ve slipped into the trap of feeling sorry for myself and the temptation is to just curl up into a ball and give up

They are worth so much more than that.

Instead of praying, wishing, begging for things to change, I need to pray for the grace to change my own self

The truth it that I’m not in control and I never was.  The truth is that expecting them to change isn’t the answer.

The truth is that parenting these special little people is challenging and always will be. 

As hard as it is for me to be a good parent, I see how they struggle with the challenges that come with who they are.  I would do anything to lessen that struggle.  Anything.

But there’s no overnight (or even over-a-year) fix that that will cure their special needs, erase their learning issues, or reverse their temperaments.  

That’s where I’m at right now.

Have you had to accept defeat in some area of your life?

13 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are feeling like that. I feel like that sometimes also. Sometimes, I just say to my husband and daughter, "Ok, I am in a weird mood. I apologize, but just let me have a little time and don't ask what's wrong." I actually had to do this last week. For me, it is usually that I have too much to do, I don't know where to start and I have no motivation to start. Add on that as soon as I do start I get pulled away to something else and oh my goodness I never get to just see it through!! Pray, pray, pray, count your blessings and I'll pray that you get out of your funk soon!

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  2. Thank you for your commiseration, Leila.

    And thank you for your prayers. It's always helpful to hear that others are going through the same types of struggles. We are none of us islands, but sometimes it feels like I'm really on my own. Kind of ironic given the "connectedness" of social networking and stuff, isn't it?

    Blessings,
    Susan

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  3. Susan,
    Things are tough over here as well. I often ask myself, why are they tough? Whose expectations am I living up to? So-and-so down the street? Or God's? It's not meant to be easy. It's not given to us for free. We fight for it with tears and sweat and our sanity.
    We'll be praying for you!

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  4. Thank you, Jessica. I'll be praying for you, too.

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  5. ((((HUGS))) and I relate...totally...I love that old cliche' PRAY TOWARD HEAVEN and ROW TOWARD SHORE. Not easy...and I don't know that maybe shouldn't jump ship some days myself... Just keep looking UP~HE has the answers! ;-))

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  6. This is the very reason I have loved the life of Moses lately (like the past 2 1/2 years . . .)

    He had such a huge burden of leading the whiny Israelites and he felt woefully inadequate, yet he walked it with God. I love that reminder. I need that reminder. Daily. And, I love that his life led him through the desert for 40 years. My days might seem that long, but they're not.

    Journeying with you!
    Erin

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  7. Thank you, friends. ;0)

    Your support means more to me than I can possibly express. Blessings.

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  8. Come visit us for awhile to get your head straight, to talk and to rest. Love you.

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  9. Hello beautiful lady! Your post about first grade curriculum really helped jumpstart my homeschooling efforts. Up until a coupla days ago (we've been having a terrible heat wave here in LA...and we don't have air conditioner since I think it's not the greatest for the environment, and it would be expensive), I felt so completely defeated. Thanks again for sharing all of your hard work! I hope things turn around soon. XOXO

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  10. Mom-
    It was good to talk to you today.
    I'm fine, just reevaluating my priorities a little and learning to roll with things the way they are. Thank you for worrying about me. ;0)

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  11. Anonymous-
    I wish I knew who you are, lol. Thank you for your kind words. You blessed someone today, and I'm glad I was able to bless you. ;0)

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  12. I know how you are feeling! Especially right now with my oldest. It just seems he doesn't retain anything. It's frustrating and I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I really hope things lighten up for you and that you and me both, lol, can become better mamas to our kids!

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  13. Thank you, Nancy. I hope so, too.

    I know that at least part of this is the "getting ready to hit puberty" things going on with my 12-year-old (7th grade). The child cannot seem to remember anything from one day to the next most of the time (unless it's something that really really interests him), lol. Some days he does really well and I think he will do well in math after all---he can reason it out, he can do it. He can even find his own shortcuts. Then other days he is just hopeless (meaning he feels hopeless, I never lose faith in him). I hear that 7th grade is just really really hard (all my friends with 7th graders seem to have the same lament, no matter what curriculum them are using).

    Couple that with other issues that just happen to be coming at the same time with the other kids, and I am a basket case sometimes. ;0)

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