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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Putting the Pieces Together

It’s been quiet around here, lately.  I’m feeling a bit…empty. 

But there’s some new stuff brewing in me, I’m not sure where it’s taking me, but pardon me a few minutes while I ramble a bit on the random thoughts swirling in my brain.

I’ve talked in the past about how we make a point of talking with the kiddos about their personal goals, hopes, and dreams.  We take those aspirations seriously, because I know what it’s like to not have anyone believe in you or to take you seriously.

But much as I try to listen to the hopes and aspirations of the little people who surround me everyday…

I’ve stopped hearing my own dreams.  In fact, I’m not sure I even have any dreams anymore.

I feel like my consciousness has been so permeated by teaching, mothering, housekeeping, and computing that I’ve forgotten how to think about anything else.  I feel consumed.

An aside:  Ohh, the computer!  The bane of my existence!  It’s so much more “fun” (is it really?  Or does it just require less effort?) to mindlessly surf the internet for answers that don’t exist, than to deal with that pile of dishes by the sink.  Or the recalcitrant child who hates math.  Sometimes I’d like to throw my computer out the window.

Now, don’t misunderstand.  I’m not maligning mothering and educating my children or caring for my home and family.  These are good, worthwhile, important things. 

But I’m not just a wife.  I’m not just a homekeeper.  I’m not just a mother.  I’m not just an educator.  Nobody is just the jobs they do. 

Perhaps you are shaking your head and chiding me, saying that I’m selfish if I think that’s not enough.  Following God’s plan by caring for my husband and my children should be enough, right? 

This isn’t about what is enough.

And this isn’t really about me wanting something.  I have a good life.

It’s more about sensing that something is missing. 

I’m looking in the mirror and seeing someone who isn’t fulfilling her full potential of what her Creator created her to be.  Parts of me, important parts, lay tucked away in a disused corner of my brain. 

Does that make sense?  I fully believe that I was created as I am for a reason.  That each of us is given our particular talents for a reason.  There’s a reason I am who I am and what if it goes beyond what I’m doing with my life right now?

I’m pondering my purpose. 

And how to become a more complete me.

I’m also pondering the purpose of this blog (more on that in another post).

Later this month, through the generosity of a friend, I’ll be attending the 2:1 Conference.  It’s not something I would normally do on my own simply because of the expense.  And I’m still having doubts even though my ticket is bought and paid for.  But then I remember that someone who cares about me chose to send me and maybe I’m meant to be there. 

Maybe I’ll find a missing piece of myself.  Maybe I’ll discover some long forgotten dreams.   I feel like I’ve been in a dreamless sleep for a long time.

Or maybe I’ll just get a chance to get outside of myself and my well-worn rut for a time and discover how very silly I am.  Because sometimes things are much clearer when you can step back out of the situation and look at it from the outside.

In the meantime, I’m doing some soul-searching.  It’s Easter weekend.  Somehow re-examining my life seems appropriate as we wait for the resurrection.

2 comments:

  1. Wow, Susan, I can SO relate to what you have to say. Particularly about the computer, and its ease vs. the real things i COULD be doing! Anyway, one thing i've discovered about me (and easier to preach than actually DO IT! i'm in the same boat) is that i feel similar to you when I don't have a chance to create something. i have a wide variety of crafty hobbies, but lately its not happening, and i can feel it. I think that because we were created in the image of God, we have, to a lesser degree that pull to create... at least i know I do! i'll be praying for you tonight! God Bless, rebecca

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  2. Yes, Rebecca! I am a very creative person and for the past few months I've not done anything crafty or artistic at all. I've had funks like this before and got out of them by creating a rosary or sewing some clothes for the girls, or painting a watercolor, but I look at my stash of materials and feel hopelessly uninspired. Thank you for your prayers, I appreciate them.

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